- Current Mood: blank
- Current Music:Deadmau5 – Raise Your Weapon (Madeon Remix)
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
- Edgar Alan Poe
- Current Music:Dreadzone - A Dream Within A Dream
There are three that immediately spring to mind, “Daddy's dyin' … Who's Got the Will?”, “Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam”, and “Mom and Dad Save the World.” Apparently the IMDb gives these flicks 5 stars out of ten. Amazon buyers love them too with one earning 4 out of five stars. Thankfully the Rotten Tomatoes group rates these much lower. They have in common a central question: Why? Why in that they ever saw the light of day?
Daddy's dyin' reunites a dysfunctional family to see their father one last time and … other than that there is no plot or reason to even watch. It is a pointless flick and if I am going to watch something pointless I'd rather laugh while doing it.
Dr. Otto is one of the early Ernest P. Worrell films except that here he plays a villain with hands or maybe it is just one hand on the top of his head. The plot revolves around good versus evil and focuses more on the hero, a dogooder, who has never done wrong. In the end he is tricked by Evil Ernest nee Dr. Otto as Evil Ernest knows he will never press the button marked “bad” on the bomb. The “good” button blows everything up and the world becomes quite dystopian with the hero at the end of the movie now sitting on an old car while his helpers push it around looking for gas. Evil Ernest appears with a hat covering the hand(s) at a station they come across and tells them there is not any. The hero and company shove onwards while Evil Ernest takes off his hat and chuckles with his minions. I liked Jim Varney but this was easily the stupidest and least funny movie he made.
Mom and Dad Save the World. Why? Why indeed. This film is just a vehicle for Jon Lovitz to a play moronic and bumbling villain who kidnaps the wife of some schmo on Earth. It is up to the husband to free her and save Earth from destruction. The top reviewer at IMDb wrote in praising it, “a perfect crack-head adventure,” before backtracking a bit and saying “by crack-heads I mean hyper and jumpy imaginative types like myself.” Yeah sure. I am guessing it does work seeing this movie on drugs, Dr. Otto too.
I had the misfortune in seeing these three at a friend's place over an odd assortment of leftovers before she went bankrupt. She was one of those video pirates the Motion Picture Industry would have hated. By pirating really bad films though I suppose that is how she avoided detection and nowadays who does VHS? I am not sure she made any money by doing it though.
- Current Music:Mr. Mister – Kyrie
My latest attempts have fallen alongside my efforts to preserve history, recycle more, and exchange postcards. So trying to improve my health = FAIL. I get it nothing I do will ever amount to anything so why even bother? Why even try to get in shape? Or eat better? Or try to cure ailments? No, not valid. Not good.
At least my teeth were ok.
- Current Mood: grumpy
- Current Music:Chevelle – I Get It
In the midst of not feeling too good, let me share with them there and y'all my lovely dreams/nightmares from last night. In it I am trying to keep something hidden, a secret. It is a frustrating process and I end up falling asleep next to two white lions. Per Dreammoods the secret “represents hidden power.” Something is emerging from the unconscious. A lion “symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression, and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties.”
Other things: I ascended finally in The Kingdom of Loathing with this one character. The number 11 … and then I went somewhere. Last month I mailed off the last of a series of postcards. The number … 11 … and then I went somewhere. And when I think about it … I might have helped there that number of times too.
The ascension went fairly good considering I was just going with half the items I might actually need.
Summer is coming soon. Perhaps I will succeed. I have to change things though, and soon cannot come fast enough.
Right now I'd like to lie on my back in the centre of a circle, crossed arms and legs. I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and exhale all my pain and problems out into the universe.
- Current Mood: uncomfortable
- Current Music:The Divine Comedy – The Pop Singer's Fear of the Pollen Count
Everything seems to be on hold at the moment. I am not sure what to think about that. I want and need to go back to school. Everyone keeps cutting back and cutting back. If you are not progressing forward then you are dying. Hence I believe America is in its death throes. It will get ugly. It did not have to be this way but that is the way Those In Power wished it to be. Thanks a lot dickheads.
My lovely ideas, without money, and others to support, wither away.
I need to get some more images while I still can, recycle some crap, burn the rest.
It is so disappointing to try to rally around, make headway, and try to get over the hump, and … fail.
I have my goals but no vehicle to reach them.
I think we all need to try and just be as happy as best we can in this life, existence. There are no practice sessions, everything is for real, and you have to bring it or at least fake it.
- Current Mood: crushed
- Current Music:R.E.M. – Nightswimming
Same agonizing shit. With family like mine, who needs enemies? I understand very well why my brother takes off and lets no one know where he is. My so called parents collapsed my house of cards solely to feel better about themselves. Then they goaded me over some damn papers that I already filled out a dozen times before so what was the big fucking deal? Rachel was right five years ago to leave and never go back. Did I ever do anything people suggested? No … and I am suffering for my stupidity.
I think I can eek through the night. Next time I will call that number. It is getting bad, conflict does that.
I wanted to … but it has been all for naught.
Here is a Craigslist rant I came up with earlier but naturally could not get Craigslist to post.
For every legitimate poster there is an equal amount of fakes or flakes. So 1:1:1.
Take for example the person who needed an item moved to Bellingham in a timely matter. When contacted she felt unsure about how someone would drive from Tacoma to Bellevue to pick up said item and then onto Bellingham. Could it be … the freeway? Why yes … yes it would. This person was illogical and did not seem all there. Verdict – Flake.
Consider the free offer of shot glasses with odd logos in a U-Store-It facility. This person said to call them. The number went to a voice mail and I left a message. They sent an email saying to call them. I did, again, voice mail, left message. Finally after playing around they sent another email to “pick up the shot glasses by 1:00 PM or else” at 3:30PM. Verdict – FAKE!
Then there is the time I responded to a free ad for hockey sticks. I needed one for a Halloween costume so I bitted. The man who replied to my inquiry went off on a rant about how everyone on Craigslist is either a fake or a flake and that there are no legitimate people anymore. He demanded I pick up the hockey sticks immediately … at 10:30PM in a darkened area in a unfamiliar part of town. I went and … got them. Verdict – Legit!
So there are legitimate people out there after all but bear in mind you will come across a fake or a flake before finding one.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I think I will go to bed now. Maybe the pain pills will kick in.
- Current Mood: aggravated
- Current Music:HIM – Wings of A Butterfly
Apparently I was wrong to try to better myself. Fuck you State of Washington. Health care should be available to all not the fucking rich. The rich, they should be slaughtered, their funds put into a community pot so we can actually work on improving society. We need money for researching various diseases to find cures or treatments but grants are being cut. Kill the rich and give those monies to science. Education, roads, environment, public safety are all being sacrificed so the rich can get their tax breaks. Sacrifice the rich and reap the benefits. Am I being too bold? Too crazy? Well the state of Washington is throwing me under the bus, budget cuts and all, and the most dangerous thing in the world is a person with nothing to lose. FDR realized that so he created the WPA, CCC, other acronym agencies to put people to work. Obama Lama Ding Dong won't do that because he serves the rich. Fuck him.
As for my health … well that bridge seems a good place to solve that problem.
- Current Mood: pissed off
- Current Music:The Used – Take It Away
Today, June 4, happens to be the Feast of Saint Ryan, one of many odd or obscure holidays, Saint Tibb's Day, etc, I have added to my calendar over the years. The Feast of Saint Ryan is devoted to a legendary brewer that emerged from a series of role playing games in the late 1990s. Thus beer and merriment are in order. We all could use a party.
I have been troubled by recent events in the world, economy, ecoterrorists, loss of history, etc. It seems as soon as I finish trying to document something … it goes away. I need to go back and get a few somethings before it is too late. History and research need to be saved.
It seems to me that I should really think about whether or not I see myself having kids anytime in the next ten years. My parents had my brother and I later in life. I have known others who waited until they had money or met that special someone even at 40. Then I have friends who are in their 20s and have decided that now would be best before things get worse, while they are younger, healthy. I do not know what to think. It seems like the natural tendency. But like my parents and those others, I was always trying to save up, to be responsible, and to bring a child into the world and be able to take care of that takes a bit, time, patience, money, commitment.
I also need to see if college is in the cards. I really, really, really wanted to go back. I felt that finally I was ready, that I had a goal, an idea, some direction. Sometimes life cruelly says no, you had your chance, and you blew it.
I have slowly started to take better care of myself. I need to find a new dentist as the old one retired and the person who bought out his clients only took the ones she wanted. I should schedule a doctor's appointment as well.
I had a teacher whose motto was “Carpe Diem” “Seize the Day.” He lived life to the fullest. I worked with a cook who always encouraged trying new things. “If you want to do something, do it.” I told myself by the time 35 came around I should better have a plan or solve what was bothering me.
As for dating prospects I know one who has tried to nudge me towards getting back into the waters. I prefer safe. Maybe a co-worker I know would be cool with going out. I need to take care of myself first or if I do run both at the same.
Friends. I have been hard on them. It is not easy …
I have not liked myself for some time, and in reading books like “Crafting the Body Divine”, I realize I lack self-esteem and confidence. You need those things to carry yourself. People find you more attractive when you are confident, love yourself for who you are and what you are doing to improve upon. Yes this is some content I gleamed from the book, but I have to start somewhere.
I just … need to be me. I need to build up. I need … yes the help of others. I need to start caring even more so when detractors chide me and deride my efforts.
Maybe … I am needed here after all … by somebody.
- Current Music:Pat Benetar – Invincible
The year is almost at the halfway point and how far have I progressed on my resolutions? I wanted to go back to school, did the financial aid application, looked around at those colleges that responded, and … failure. The bad men want their money first. I would give them it but there is no guarantee that they would not just cash the check, say they never received, and come after me again. So my response? Fuck you.
I wanted to improve my health, work on taking care of things, and how did that work? I tried, I failed. No one cares so why should I? Really fuck everybody.
If I am the only person doing all this research and who actually cared? I do a bang up report on a bridge, no one gives a shit. Why am I doing this again? Something for me to do besides panhandling? Fuck all of you.
I used to want to go on a long hike and just … drop off the side of a cliff. Oops. No one would know, care, and then well maybe it was an accident? I like the outdoors too much to do it though. I end up wanting to stay around feeling the cool breeze, warm sun, and smell of pine needles. New plan, same as old but instead of a cliff it is … well I won't say in case someone actually tries to prevent me from carrying this out. Save yourselves, it is already over for me.
Ever notice those websites devoted to those who did kill themselves actually had things working for them? You think, “But they had a job … they had people who loved them, they were attractive. How could they?” I suppose we all have our reasons. They might have been better off than I but when you see no way out of a hopeless situation I guess we are all in the same boat.
Off to run errands, if I can get the will to even bother with.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Red – Already Over